How To Grow Up
by
Richard Leland
Twenty two suggestions for those who never understood,
“ how to grow up.”
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Preface
Don’t Let Anyone Know You’re Young
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.............an Excerpt...............
1. At the age of one, don’t be lazy.
Signal in anyway you know how, any way possible, to get directions to the nearest bathroom. Let people know your favorite foods. Don’t smile or goo. Especially don’t smile at persons younger than you.
2. At the age of two, appear to
accept all two year olds as cute little things. Call them ‘tyke’ if you’re speaking
by now. Arch an eyebrow at them if you don’t speak yet. Be compasionate.
3. At the age of three, keep your
pants up. If you’re a male, don’t figit; keep your hands at hour sides and nowhere else. If you a female, don’t stare downward as though there might be a big puzzle down there. And don’t think what you stare at is strange looking. Don’t go so far as to hint at it. Speak very little to young children. Do not speak to older children.
4. At the age of four inquire about
school, but only about matriculating at the best school. Be adamant. Try to get into the closest kindergarten with another adult, age 5. Pretend to be older and wiser
than you know how to be. If you get to kindergarten, join the rhythm band. Play either the flute or
the tamborine. Do not play the wood blocks. Those are for chidren not a musician of your stature. Should you select the tamborine, take dancing lessons, preferably tangos and mambas, beforehand, only to convince others of your true age.
More Essays, soon to be released, from Richard Leland:
- How To Be Small
- How To Act Smart
- How To Be A Blonde
- How To Be A Blond
- How To Be Happy
- How To Be Sad
- How To Be Important
- How To Be A Leader
- How To Take A Test
- How To Attend A Football Game
- How To Dress When It Snows
- How To Get Into First Grade When You Are Four
- How To Act On The First Day Of School
End of the Excerpt from How To Grow Up
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